Friday, April 07, 2006

on the art of barking

Barking is an important part of my life. It must always be loud and purposeful. Bark whenever someone you know wants to gain entry to your house, otherwise remember it is rude to bark at strangers. Find someone to bark with, this is much more fun, especially if conducted as a polyphonal chant in separate and discordant keys. Bark meaningfully, that is imagine you are looking at a large snake and cannot understand why no one else can see it. Try barking at night, this always sounds much louder and will impress everyone so much they will get up to listen to you more closely. Make sure the barking noise is set at a frequency that everyone can hear, you will notice a pleasant look will cross their faces, and they will often join in by barking back, usually in the limited form of a shirrup noise repeated in a rising crescendo. Yipping is also fun but needs someone to yip with, for example get your best friend to lie across the middle step of a flight of stairs then yip to pretend you can't go up, and when friend has been forcibly removed and you are at the top of the stairs, yip again because you can't get down. Never do anything without barking. Barking is part of the inexpressible rightness of being (thank you, Kundera).

thanks to the boss for his helpful comments and criticism.

1 comment:

rationalist said...

A very nice joke, Spot, containing some paradoxes. 'Rightious of being' sounds like a Vatican tract, whereas the original Czech author's 'Lightness of being' was about two very unrightious even naughty and rather quarrelsome people, very unlike you. But I have worked out why you referred to Kundera's novel - you identify with their dog, Karenin. "Karenin displays extreme dislike of change. Once moved to the country, Karenin becomes more content as he is able to enjoy more attention from his owners. He also quickly befriends a pig named Mefisto." I can't remember your befriending a pig; apart from that your identification with the dog of the novel is sensible so far. Byt now we come to your fantasies. "During this time Tomáš discovers that Karenin (the dog) has cancer and even after removing a tumor it is clear that Karenin is going to die. On his deathbed he unites Tereza and Tomáš through his "smile" at their attempts to improve his health. Tereza invents an inscription for his grave: "Here lies Karenin. He gave birth to two rolls and a bee", a reference to a recent dream. Clearly, Spot, you want to be a canine counsellor. But what is this about bees? Do you fantasise about catching them? Try not to because, Spot, bees sting. Unlike death - if you are worrying about that. Ask your master to read you the lines: "Death, where is thy sting?" You'll be fine.